Depends Moi on whether your relationship with a person is important or should I say how important. In my experience, being maybe 25 to 30 years your senior, have gone through difficult and sad times with friends, you have to do what you think best. Sometimes it works out but others it’s not the outcome you hoped for.
In my personal experience, I think you should go as far as you feel comfortable with. That may sound a bit bland but short term troubles which you can really make a difference to with your input are valuable to any friend. You have to think, how are you helping, do you have the experience to deal with what is ailing someone, do I have to point them in the direction of professionals, is it just a short term shoulder to cry on?
I have a friend who has wanted my help for over 18 months. Every time I felt we had got somewhere, the next day it was the same. It was like groundhog day. After the first year of it, I had to admit to my husband that it was making me feel quite depressed and taking over my life. I have to say this was because it was every single day and it was a mental health problem. Personally I had gone way out of feeling comfortable with what I was achieving and how it had begun to impact me.
So, whatever the problem is Moi, step back and advise another route if it is starting to impact your own life.
There is a lot to be said for being part of a group, and the support and friendship that is gained from this.
That's a tough question Moi as sometimes things can backfire. For example if a friend has relationship issues and you empathise and support them in trying to leave, then they decide to stay it can turn them against you for things you said when you were being supportive.
If your friend is a very close friend Moi, you will naturally want to offer, support, advice, empathy, and may get 'involved' before you realise it, after all, that is what good chums do.
However, if the issues are about their personal life, then their stress and angst can very quickly become yours and that can become demanding and time consuming.
Last year I got involved with the wife of a couple we had been close to for many years, I did a couple of posts on it in Narnia. It wasn't long before I really wished I had not got involved at all, and it did affect me emotionally and cause me lots of stress. It also created tension between myself and OH, and as a result he asked me to withdraw my support and involvement. I was reluctant to, as this chum was going through a traumatic time, she was calling me 5 times a week to go over and over the same issues, as well as 3 or 4 whatsapp messages a day.
Eventually I managed to wean myself away from her, basically by not picking up on every call, and not replying to every whatsapp. I still feel bad about that though. In the end I am not sure I did her any good, and I certainly didn't do myself much good either.
But then again as females, I really don't think it is in our nature not to reach out if someone is struggling or suffering, particularly if that person is known to us.
If you feel you can offer empathy and support, yet remain detached and objective, that may be more constructive and also you are protecting yourself too.
It depends on what help they need, and how that impacts you. Like, if they need financial help but that would leave you destitute, then I'd have to say no.
I have often told my kids that I will not help them with bills, those are their choices, but along with that, I told them that I will never see them starve, so I've always helped out with a bag of shopping here and there, or let them raid my freezer.
But as B says, you can only go as far as you are comfortable with, otherwise, the impact on you and your family may become too much for you to cope with.
Dogs come when called, cats take a message and get back to you at their convenience.
"I have often told my kids that I will not help them with bills, those are their choices, but along with that, I told them that I will never see them starve, so I've always helped out with a bag of shopping here and there, or let them raid my freezer."
That's very fair PM, I wish I had your sensible head - our youngest has cost us a fortune, because we just can't say no.. grrr
There is a lot to be said for being part of a group, and the support and friendship that is gained from this.
"I have often told my kids that I will not help them with bills, those are their choices, but along with that, I told them that I will never see them starve, so I've always helped out with a bag of shopping here and there, or let them raid my freezer."
That's very fair PM, I wish I had your sensible head - our youngest has cost us a fortune, because we just can't say no.. grrr
I would probably think differently if my youngest was in another country! How is she doing, by the way? xx
Dogs come when called, cats take a message and get back to you at their convenience.
I've gone out of my way to help my friend. One example: I arranged an old mattress to be removed from her property but - complexities aside - she did not play ball. In the end I had to cancel it. I needed information from her and to have her put the mattress outside: she did neither. I have also bought her food and given her some cash. But now I just say I'm broke. There is no point giving and giving for no reason.
Anyhow, it is a very long story and hasn't really changed. I just have to say enough is enough.